Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The balls of it

Tuesday February 19th, 2008

"Hij snapt er de ballen van," as we say in the Netherlands.

I have been catching up on the reviews of our Champions League fixture. I thought that scoring two goals in two games might win back support; that my fans would flock to my cause and realise that every top goalscorer has dry spells and then comes good, but instead I get the kind of treatment usually reserved for players like Titus Bramble.

I recorded the ITV coverage and Andy Townsend has really taken the gloss off my interview with Gabriel. He might well think the goal was a "fortunate, skiddy deflection", but it was my fortunate, skiddy deflection and any time he scores against Inter he can come back and talk to me about it.

Paul Doyle in The Guaridan seemed to think that I scored despite myself. He called my display "wretched", which I thought was very unkind. I do try very hard and how anyone could fail to be moved by my emotional applauding of all four stands last night is a mystery to me.


Someone has even emailed me suggesting that I was at fault for losing to Barnsley in the cup. "Is it possible," he asks, "that scoring your goal stunned the rest of the Liverpool players into inaction for the rest of the game? Lol." Well, Alex from Manchester, thank you for your kind words but I don't think it was that good a goal!

What does "lol" mean?

Tot de volgende keer

As happy as a circus bird

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

"Ik ben zo blij als een kermisvogel," as we say in the Netherlands.

Two goals in two games! Amazing! Credit to the gaffer for his patience with me. When Crouchie came on I thought I'd had my chance…not a goalscoring chance, obviously…just a chance to impress, but the boss stuck with me and it paid off. An amazing night at Anfield. We were definitely the better team before and after Materazzi got sent off. All the fans were chanting rude words at him as he went down the tunnel. It must not have been enjoyable for him but it did make us all laugh. Ex-Toffees don't go down well here:

I had to laugh at the gaffer too. He was off the bench like a jack-in-the-box and his little two finger wave at the referee must go down as one of his best. Have you seen magic Rafa? Heel grappig!

I thought I started quite well but it was very difficult for Fernando and myself to impose ourselves on such a well-organised defence. It was really a game where Masher got to show why it's so important that we get him signed up for a long term deal. Watching him fight with his countryman, Zanetti, was very funny: Masher would scythe in with a lunging tackle - miss the ball and the man - and Zanetti would dive to the ground. Typical Argentines.

I tried to exchange shirts with Maicon at the end of the game but he was very rude and pushed me away! I don't think he was too pleased that I had blasted the ball in off his shins. Stevie asked me if I had learned the trick from Frank Lampard. Have I sunk that low?

I knew it was really my night, though, when Gabriel Clarke from ITV asked me to talk in the post-match interview. I was so thrilled. It was my first time with him.

I am so breathless. A great night.

To de volgende keer

One swallow doesn't make a summer

Monday, Febraury 18th, 2008

Het hallo!

What an exciting few days. I know it is selfish to talk so highly about the Barnsley result, but I scored! Yes, fans; I finally scored! For sure, my first goal this year was no oil painting: it was a school playground toe-poke; and who cares that I played the other 93 minutes like a turnip - as the ball rippled the back of the net I was overcome with the emotion of the 45,000 fans round the ground and I'm sure they could feel my joy as much as I felt theirs.

I felt liked I applauded every fan in the ground that day, although the Barnsley players looked a bit confused by my close personal bond with the Anfield faithful. It's all about the Dream Team, I told them afterwards. (I am in mine, by the way)

I must keep improving. "Eén zwaluw maakt nog geen zomer," as we say in the Netherlands.

Tot de volgende keer

What a disaster!

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

"Wat een ramp, ik begrijp niet hoe dat nou gebeurt is!" as we say in the Netherlands.

I have been very low now for some weeks. The manager clearly recognised my upset and rested me for the Sunderland game. It felt like the right thing at the time, but then the boys won so well I regretted having to watch it all from the bench. You would have thought then that I would have been pleased to play in the Chelsea game, but I can assure you it was as boring to play in as I am told it was to watch. As I went to applaud to fans at the end of the game, Carra gave me a tug at my collar and dragged me down the tunnel. I don't think he was too impressed.

This depression all started after the decision to produce my official Kuyt merchandise. I gave Gertrude the first package to take back to the children, but when she arrived in Amsterdam the package had not arrived with her. Three days later it turned up at Anfield, returned by a homeless man who found it in the rubbish at John Lennon Airport. Gertrude insisted that she had checked it in. I cannot explain this unfortunate occurance.

And why could this man not sell the merchandise for his own profit? All very strange.

Tot de volgende keer

Hello again

"Het Hallo, " as we say in the Netherlands.

I am so glad to be writing to you all again. The last few matches have brought such highs and lows and it has been frustrating not to be able to share them with you. I have changed broadband company recently and it has caused me real problems. Virgin Media seemed like a very big company and their broadband, television and phone package very good value.

Unfortunately, Virgin broadband only seems to work when all other electrical equipment in the house if turned off and the customer service people are from India! They do not understand my accent and I do not understand them! It is very tiring and now I cannot watch Lost, which they did not explain to me on the phone.

Anyway, I sat down in the dark to write my latest update, but Gertrude wanted to watch Wife Swap...en zij heeft de broek aan in dit huis! She wants us to take part in the next celebrity one with someone called Wentworth Miller and his girlfriend. I have never heard of him.

I am back in business now though - on the pitch and online. Please enjoy my thoughts on the last few weeks.

Tot de volgende keer

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A Pause...

I have been moved today by the coverage of the fiftieth anniversary of the Munich disaster. Sir Bobby Charlton was on BBC4 on Tuesday night and I made a special effort to tune in. He seemed very emotional.

It reminded me that although football is not as important as life and death, during times such as the experience of the Munich disaster, football allows people to collectively grieve and celebrate their heroes.

All those who died should be respected by all four stands at the weekend.

Every pot has a fitting lid

Het hallo!

"Op elk potje past een dekseltje," as we say in The Netherlands.

I am very excited today. Last time, you'll remember, I had a "Eureka!" moment; I had found a way out of my current predicament...'Score more goals', you might be thinking. Well, easier said than done; I've been trying that one for over 1200 minutes and where has it got me?

No. I have a better idea: to remind people of better times. This will help me - and you - forget my current form and remind us both of the glory of scoring as many as twelve goals in a season!

I have invested some of my moderate salary in producing a range of memorabilia with snapshots of some of my Liverpool highlights: T-shirts, mugs, keyrings all emblazoned with my greatest moments in red!

Gertrude thinks it's a little crazy, but I told her, "hey, take some back to Katwijk for the children." She. Was. Speechless. But I think when she realised it was a way of helping with her great charity work, she couldn't say no!

There are three images: one of me executing a great tackle on Phil Neville. There's one of me scoring the second penalty (that was after my tackle, which seemed to cause the referee a lot of bother). And then I'm celebrating the win with John. It's a photo I really cherish, since neither of us have really had a lot to smile about this season.

Now, I know what you're thinking: they're all from the same game. That's true; there isn't a lot of material to choose from, but with the confidence boost I get from doing this, the goals are sure to come and then I can expand the range! If anyone has any photos of me applauding all four stands at Anfield, please send them in.

Tot de volgende keer

Friday, February 1, 2008

The best helmsmen stand on the shore

"De beste stuurlui staan aan wal," as we say in The Netherlands
Isn't it strange the way match-reports highlight the incidents that fit the story the reporter wants to tell? All the papers wanted to talk about was Liverpool in crisis, so that’s how they portrayed the match, yet playing against West Ham on Wednesday, it didn't ever feel like we would lose.

West Ham didn't create much: people talk about Boa Morte's chances, but Fernando, Yossi, Harry and Lucas - twice -could all have taken their chances. And no one blames Carra; it was just one of those things.

You'll notice my name is missing from that list. Well...thank you for all your emails of support, but I'm not so sure that not being mentioned at all in any of newspaper reviews is a step in the right direction.

I had hoped that this game might be a turning point in the season for me. If you remember this fixture last season, I scored probably my best goal for Liverpool. (Between you and me, I was trying to flick the ball wide to Stevie F with the outside of my boot, but caught it on the full and it flew into the top corner!) It was a stroke of good fortune and probably did more to endear me to the fans than all the applauding I've done before or since...



...That's it. I've got it. I know how to re-capture the hearts of the Liverpool faithful....

Tot de volgende keer